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Convention survival Written by Shine Updated 11/19/2001
This guide will ensure that you live through the next anime convention you attend. First, to ensure your safety,
follow these rules for anime conventions:
Never hit on a congirl taller than you.
Don't insult the Sailor Scouts unless they are completely and utterly ALONE and SEPARATED from anyone of assistance.a
Fushigi Yugi people can't hurt you.b
There is no age limit on Hentai booths.c
Always tell the fansubbers you shopped from them earlier that morning.d
If a character is wielding a sword, check to see if there is anyone near him. If nobody (or one other person of the same gender) is near him, avoid them.
Photograph all Sailor Scouts with goatees. Immediately.
There is no rule number 8.
Don't drink the yellow sake.
Shinji's school outfit is NOT a costume.e
Pepsi.
Best deals are always on Sunday.
Cameramen are expendable. If you spot a popular cameraman (like Maboroshi) who hasn't photographed you despite your
good looks and/or costume, beat him severely. If he continues not to photograph you, continue beating him until he falls unconscious. Then, take his camera and
photograph yourself.f
Secondary Rules:
Sailor Scouts come in packs. Even if they look alone, watch out. The other ones may not even be dressed like Sailor Scouts this time.
Male or Female. Plus, they probably can't get to you through the crowd of boy-watchers, anyway.
Cosplay only helps ensure this.
This is to A) gain their trust and B) gain lower prices.
If you are cosplaying and you see somebody "cosplaying" as Shinji Ikari in his school outfit, immediately scream the word "Blasphemer!" and begin beating him severely.
There is no excuse for Shinji cosplayers.
Make sure that you check the website of popular cameramen to police their photography. If they waste their time photographing the same person over and over again
and you spot no pictures of yourself or anyone you know, sneak into their house (or wait until the next Anime Club meeting) and beat them endlessly and painfully. Weapons (ANY WEAPONS) are allowed
if you wore an award-winning costume.
Alright, now that the ground rules are out of the way, let's go through the language of conventions.
Conventions have a certain "Language" that can be adopted to make communication with other congoers much quicker and simpler. Let us take a moment to look at some of these terms
and dissect them.
Cosplayer - This is a catch-all term for people who actually CARE about going to conventions. They are usually wearing a "costume", or an outfit that looks A) exactly like normal
clothes, B) exactly like normal clothes except with weird hair, C) clunky and annoying, or D) really F***ing cool. Learn to worship the D category.
Congirl - Any female who frequents conventions and is attracted to any Cosplayer who happens to be dressed like a character to which she is, in turn, attracted. The reasoning behind this attraction is unknown.
Fanboy - Any male who frequents conventions and is attracted to any Cosplayer who happens to be dressed like a character to which he is, in turn, attracted. Most of them are gay, or thought to be so. They
also are attracted to certain popular artists, directors, animators, and anybody else with money.
Bishónen - Any Cosplayer who is dressed like a male character and has a largely sized ego, sex drive, and/or effeminate appearance. Females who Cosplay as Bishónen are
to be looked at very carefully and evaluated on the following basis:
If they are wearing a trenchcoat or large amounts of black spandex, leather or other shiny fabric: Befriend them.
If they are wearing a female "version" of an outfit which is known to be "male": Shoot them.
If they are wielding a sword longer than their arm: Shun them.
If they are wearing makeup to produce the effect of "facial hair": Humor them.
If they are wearing an outfit from "Inu-Yasha": Lynch them.
If they are "Dilandau" from "The Vision of Escaflowne": Date them.
Bishónen vary greatly in clothing, mentality, and (very rarely) appearance. Most Bishónen look (in drawings) exactly like the female characters, just without breasts. If a Bishónen does not
appear this way (in drawings), then it is safe to assume that the person Cosplaying the Bishónen is a worthy comrade. This also applies if the Bishónen is mentally insane and largely evil (killing sprees required).
Sephiroth - One in a series of silver-haired Bishónen who are allowed to carry a sword. Sephiroths are like gravity wells to Congirls and Fanboys.
Mecha - A term for a Cosplay that is almost never done right.
God - Anybody who Cosplays as a Mecha and gets it right.
Pepsi - The life-giving substance which enables one to keep their conscious ability to stay mobile alive for extended periods of time, while at the same time enabling their conscious ability
to stay sane to do quite the opposite.
Hentai - The sole reason why conventions exist; this commodity enables the congoers to experience pleasures that they never will be able to for the rest of their pathetic lives on this godforsaken planet.
Fansub - This is the same thing as "Hentai".
DDR - A recent development, this device enables congoers to relax and extract themselves from the stressfulness of congoing while draining even MORE money than they ever could,
even AT THE CON.
Game Room - An area devoted to being as geeky as you possibly can. Also included in the Game Room are various distractions with monitors and rapidly flashing colors. This is
usually accompanied by "DDR", but do not confuse this with the REAL DDR... This "DDR-wannabe" is a low-quality substitute made to fool and impress those who have never seen DDR
before (presumably to keep the traffic down where the REAL DDR is located).
Sailor Scout - One in a series of Cosplays in which a Cosplayer is required to wear a short skirt and tight, white shirt. This is sometimes accompanied by wigs, wands, and men in
tuxedos. These are to be carefully evaluated as follows:
Sailor Scouts are preferably female. Any male Sailor Scouts should be photographed and shunned immediately.
Sailor Scouts should be pleasing to the eyes. All sailor scouts which A) weigh more than you (or the nearest male, if you are female), B) weigh less than 100 lbs., or C) have a rear end
more than 2.5 times the size of their head should be shunned.
Sailor Scouts should never bend over.
Shinji - The ultimate bane, this "Cosplayer" apparently thinks that a white shirt and pair of black slacks counts as a Cosplay. He couldn't be more wrong. Show where the justice is!
If you see a Shinji, immediately set off an air horn or other loud sirenlike object, and raise your weapons in preparation for battle! Give the Shinji 3 seconds to leave (but tell him he has 5), and initiate
the bloodhunt! Sephiroths come in real handy for this one! Identifying marks and points of focus:
If the Shinji is of African descent (in other words, if he's black), ignore him.
If the Shinji does not wish his outfit to be considered Cosplay, congratulate him.
If the Shinji acts in character, give him 30 seconds to live instead of 3. If he runs, kill him. If he doesn't, build him a plugsuit.
If the Shinji begins stripping, kill him.
Shinjis can be identified by their white, button-down shirts with black shirts underneath and black slacks.
Shinjis rarely act "in character". Shinji's identifiable "character" is highly depressed with no real will to live. This is due to his lame outfit.
Shinji comes from a TV Show known as "Neon Genesis Evangelion". The only way any character from this show can participate in a Cosplay Contest is
if the entire cast of the show (AND ONLY THE CAST OF THE SHOW) is present in the Cosplay Skit.
Shinjis are to keep their clothes on at all times.
Cosplay Contest/Competition - A segment of a convention where all of the focus is on the Cosplayers. Be forewarned, honor is lost quickly and greatly here, and credit is oft awarded where
it need not be. Keep Shinjis away.
Cosplay Skit - The units into which the Cosplay Contest are divided, these are small segments in which the Cosplayers blithely attempt to instill hope
and/or joy into the congoers' hearts.
Otaku - A term for somebody who desperately wants attention.
Noob - A term for somebody who still has hope for their life.
Glomp - What Congirls do to Bishónen
God.
Well, that's settled. Next times, join us as we embark on "Journeys through cons", and how to handle yourself as a Cosplayer! Until then!
Shine
